(Gay) Phone Dating Apps and why am I doing this to myself?!?

Personal STORY TIME!

Dating… for people like me – it’s almost like a close walk by Hell.  Though some would say I’m walking to Hell.  But I won’t judge those people.  Have I ever really tried dating?  For most people’s standards – probably not.  Sure I’ve looked.  But I didn’t really apply myself.  For several reason…

In no order:

A)  Most days I feel like shit… The kind where I look in the mirror and begin to pick apart myself.  I have acne… at my age and I won’t say how old… I’m old enough to have kids but young enough to not have grand kids (well by the standard American measurement of family rearing).  Thanks family genes.  But it’s not as bad as some people’s… and most say once they see me enough – They don’t even notice it any more.  But I do… every day.  I don’t rock the 6 packs abs.  I don’t have a gut so no soft doughy pillow… but I can’t really wash my laundry on them either.  I feel like I can give Chun Li (google her if you must) a run for her money in the thighs department (though hers is muscle and mine is more flab).   I’ve lost 16 pounds last year?  Does that count?  I’m a little overweight… not that it shows because thankfully my ancestral genes were nice enough to give me a body that distribute my fat more evenly along my body.   But I’m working out now and slowly losing pounds and building muscles.

B)  I’m one of those people who have this insane, weird, inexplicable cautionary thoughts of “This will affect my job!”  Maybe it’s the Asian in me?  I feel like if people found out I met a person at a party, a bar, a funeral… or the heavens forbid, on a gay dating app – my workplace will condemn me (fire me after they verbally roast me…. (though honestly my workplace is awesome and great and as long as no laws are broken they don’t care… but self-doubt and to my crazy mind it don’t matter)).  Because I am setting a bad example or representation of my workplace.  I guess this is where my super Asian upbringing kicks in – Oh.  My.  GAWD.  I could potentially shame my workplace.  “How dare Me meet people and date them.”  I know it doesn’t matter…  it’s none of their business and how the hell am I supposed to meet people?  But my stupid reasoning skills here won’t let me make common sense correlations.

C)  I’m lazy.  Once I walk out the doors of my work – my can do attitude and super awesome “we can do anything our hearts desires as long as we set our minds to it” attitude evaporates off me as soon as I stroll out into the outside air towards my car.  So I feel like people don’t want to spend time sitting around just chatting.  Don’t people want to do stuff?  I’m probably too boring for them.

D)  Then there are my own standards I have for the people I could potentially see.  They have to be physically attractive by my own standards.  Be in the same shape as me or better (because I don’t need help in being less active… It helps to have a person motivate me to be more active and healthy).  Smart – no they don’t have to have degrees lined up, but be intelligent in the life decisions they choose to make due to their circumstances.  And someone who is okay with low key things.  Apparently, this person is hard to find… not that I’ve tried much but still – why can’t he just fall into my lap….or me into his?

So yes… I probably need therapy or something… You don’t need to tell me.

However, I’m letting all that crap go.  Well trying… So I’ve downloaded a few apps.  Won’t say which ones… but a few.  And I didn’t know there were so many.  Though those of you who uses them more than me will probably think there’s not enough.

Enough people told me I’m cute.  I know I’m not HAWT.  (Do people still use this word?  I just puked in my mouth actually because I did not think I’ll ever use this word… Someone save me…)  But I can do cute.  I mean at least it’s not ugly or unattractive… or the dreaded: “I like your personality.” AKA you’re not good looking but if I was to score you on just your personality.  So I’ll trust these people who has called me cute and even myself some because there are some mornings I look at myself in the mirror and say “Hey, he’s pretty good looking today.”

Anyway… so I download these apps and create my profiles… and is instantly reminded why I quit the online dating years ago when I tried it for a week.  I get messages and alerts from guys twice my age.  Most with some sort of Asian fetish.  “I don’t care what you do or anything about you.  I like Asians.”  Uh… yeah… thanks… I guess.  Or the profiles without any pictures… and when you ask for one they’re either insulted and do the “Why do you need my picture?  Let’s get to know each other first.”  Really?  Seriously?  Because you wouldn’t touch me with a ten foot pole if I didn’t have a picture… I got my picture up, have the decency to do the same. And there’s my favorite… the super hot guys who messages me.  The type of guys who wouldn’t even bat an eye lid at you while you walk past them on the street… even after you walk right into the road because they’re so damn gorgeous so you’re not paying attention to your direction and you end up being hit by a bus.  They won’t even stop to see what happened because they assume the traffic came to a stop because of their beauty.  So why the hell would guys like that message me?  Years ago I quickly caught on… Mooooolah.  Cha ching cha ching. “Hey!  I think you cute.”  AKA I think you look dumb.  Or.  I think you look desperate.  Or.  I think you look desperate and gullible.  Or.  Hey gullible dipshit.  “Let chat off of this app.  Here’s a link to my direct web channel.”  Only the link requires a freaking credit card or purchasing something… “Oh that’s just for security reasons.”  Should I give you my social security number too?  I mean it has the word security in it also.  Yeah… I may look desperate and dumb but I’m not.

So… this past week I had the *honor* of chatting with this guy who took me to be a complete and utter gullible dipshit.  He messages me.  I answer.  Normal conversation takes place.  And for once, there’s no mention of sticking hard things into orifices I happen to have.  This is good.  Yes, this pleases me.  Continue.  So what am I looking for, he asks.  So I tell him.  Friends.  Because dating comes with expectations I don’t think I can give freely and quickly.  But giving out friendship is simpler and not as heavy.  I planned to start out with friendship intentions… because it never hurts to have more friends and if things turn out more, good for us both.  He understands.  Really?  He does?  Yes.  But honestly speaking, he tells me, he is looking for a long term relationship, but why not be friends.  So I go back and check out his profile because this guys seems like a good match… also I only glanced at his photo and didn’t quite see it clearly and the photo thumbnail was too small on my phone screen.  Oh not bad.  And military… Is that an Air force logo?  So I message a friend who happens to be married to a super duper military guy… she says yes.  (because I was also too lazy to do a google search… thank you married friend to a super duper military guy).

Fake Photo 1

(For privacy reasons I edited to photos and read further to find out more whys.)

He claims to be deployed in Africa.  And at this point we were chatting for about 20 minutes.  A red flag starts to rise in my head.  So I message my friend who is married to super duper military guy and asks, “How long did your conversations with super duper military guy last when he was deployed?”  Around 20 minutes… red flag rises higher because there was no signifying chatter to mark that my conversation with seemingly understandable guy was ending.  So because of my distrustful nature, I asked when he joined the military.  He states he joined the army a few months ago.  Then I said “But your picture…” He says he doesn’t get my implications.  So understandable guy who is now lying bastard who thinks I’m a dumb turd guy tries to carry on conversation.  He asks to talk to me via voice and through another app which can do voice calls… at this point I was peeved so I wanted to interrogate him verbally.  However, upon answering the call I hear a Eastern Europe or Central Asian English accent.  I immediately hang up.  And three words blared in my head.  WHAT.  THE.  FUCK.  So I send him these message trying to not let my anger eat me alive:

Chat Log
So he tries to defend himself by sending this picture:

Fake Photo 2

And stills insists he’s army.  DUDE.  Your shirt says US AIRFORCE.  IN BOTH PICTURES.  One via icon/symbol and the other via text.  So I take a few deep breaths.  Because I just can’t believe there’s really a guy out there dumb enough to not see the pictures he STOLE and is PRETENDING to be are contradicting what he is saying.   I don’t bother to correct him or point it out or argue.  BLOCK and as Elsa says: let it go.  There was no way I was going to help a guy be a better liar.

So if you happen to cross this post and you recognize who’s in the picture.  Yes, there’s some jerk pretending to be you or the person you know in the picture.

Man, online dating sucks.  Gay dating sucks.  Tell me… how do I navigate this thing called dating?   And I would love to hear your fake online profile stories…  It’ll make me feel better about myself that I’m at least honest in being myself on these merciless apps.

(P.S.  Hopefully I’ll be able to update a chapter of my story by the end of this weekend.)


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